My sister and brothers and I are trying to set up a big party for my mom this Mother's Day. My older sister and brother are being kind of jerks about it. I guess they don't mean to, but they don't have the kind of jobs that I've got. My younger brother works for Bank of America, and he's logging more hours than me at the office. But the other two are constantly sending emails and drafts of invitations and ideas about, like, the color of the plates and who should bring what, and they get mad at us for not responding. Just tell me when and where to come. It's not that I don't love Mom. I just have a demanding job. I don't think they get what it's like to have so little energy left over. Especially in my first couple of years I would have to cancel or I would show up late to family stuff. Or I would miss calls. They thought I didn't care about the family. It's not true. It's just hard.

Plus at the Mother's Day brunch it's going to be even more depressing. I get very few days, full days, where I don't go into the office. It's precious time for me. But I know what I'm going to get. Guilt trips from older brother and sister, and my sister in law, for not pulling my weight in party planning and making devilled eggs or whatever. Plus it's always fun to see my nieces and nephews but Mom will look over one of their heads at me, raise her eyebrows, and say, "So, Becky, have you decided when you're going to give me some grandchildren?" And my sister will say something mean like, "Forget it, Mom. She doesn't care about that -- all she cares about is climbing the corporate ladder." Pretending like she's getting me off the hook.

I always thought I would have kids. I still want them. Once upon a time I had a choice to make, and I chose to be a lawyer instead of choosing to be a mom. Which was good, I was too young and way too screwed up and I have no regrets about my decision. I never would have thought I'd be here at thirty-three starting to wonder if I'll ever get to make the decision again. Maybe I should freeze some eggs or something. Most of the female associates I've been here have dropped off the partner track and gotten pregnant. A couple have come back but most just gave up law. I don't know. I cry about it sometimes. It seems like it would be impossible to do both. I don't want to end up like the tax partner screaming at her family with the door closed.

Anyway now I need to respond to all these emails from my sister-in-law.
- posted by Blogger @ 9:35 AM